Listen here buddy, I don’t care how you feel about him. I refuse to get rid of my life-size statue of Former Vice-President Mike Pence. He reminds me of my father, who is also a white man with white hair.
I know you didn’t expect him when I asked, well honestly begged to move in with you, but he’s a part of my life now. I understand your concerns, however, I don’t think they're valid. Is it because you disagree with him politically? Mate it’s not even him, it’s just a look-alike statue I bought from the general store. I put him in the living room when I first got here, so I have no idea how he ended up in your bedroom. I guess he likes it in there! I’d love to stick him in my room, but I’m afraid of what he’ll do to me when I fall asleep. Why are you so upset that he talks to you at night? It’s not like he’s threatening you. At least I don’t think the phrase, “Even when I’m back in power I won't leave you alone,” is much of a threat. I’m just surprised he thinks he’ll ever be back in power. Although this statue is clearly power-hungry. I’ll cut you a deal pal, let’s wait a few weeks and see how you feel about him then, alright? - - - - - - - - - - I’m starting to see where you're coming from, but I’m not ready to give up on him . Why does he refuse to stay in the living room? Every morning I stick him back in the living room, and every night I hear you screaming because he’s back in your room. Look chum, I get that him coming alive terrifies you, but you got to be quieter when he wakes you up to verbally abuse you. Also, his hair turned red, which can’t be a good sign. He and I have been close buds for over two weeks now. Remember when I got fired and needed some to take care of me? He was the one who took me in and comforted me. So did you, but I already assumed you would. All I’m saying is that at least the look-alike statue of former Vice President Mike Pence has a few redeeming qualities. Yes, he likes to stick his pinky finger in your ears, but what politician isn’t a little touchy? And sure he keeps proclaiming, “I AM YOUR GOD, BOW DOWN TO ME YOU WORTHLESS HUMANS,” but what politician doesn’t have a god complex? Besides, he’s only conscious between 2:30 and 3:30 am. Everyone has their flaws, and since his only come out for one hour a day, we can totally tolerate them! I’m not going to throw him or our friendship away just because you’re a little worried he might kill us. Just be patient. - - - - - - - - - - - - Screw you, chump. You want me to choose between you and Mikey? We’ve gotten close enough that I can call him that. Sure he snuck under your bed and started repeating, “IT’S OVER FOR YOU!” But you literally said he was underneath your bed, so clearly he was in no position to hurt you Why do you care that he’s come alive during the daytime? I for one enjoy the company. Real quick, do you know what happened to all the kitchen knives? Never mind, I’m sure it’s not important. I can handle you insulting Muscleman Mike, but I draw the line at you hurting him. You said you ripped off his pinky because he tried to beat you up? Then how come I only see one bruise on you? Sure it’s massive, bloody, and on the back of your head, but that doesn’t mean Manic Mike deserved to lose a finger! I know you want me to leave, but I’m the one with an evil statue of Former Vice President Mike Pence on my side, so maybe you should get out. I’d say I’ll miss you, but I’ll have my boy Mike to keep me company. He said when he forces himself back into some position of power, he’ll let me be his assistant!
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Caffeine is the best drug out there. I consume it when I’m busy and have work to do, and when I’m bored and have nothing else to do. I’ve become so dependent on caffeine that I feel abnormal without it. I’ve wondered what my life would be like without caffeine, so I’m going to try and go a week without it just to see how I feel.
Day #1 I haven’t noticed too much of a difference yet. I have a throbbing headache, but that might be from my car accident this morning. I fell asleep at the wheel. Day #2 My headache has continued. People are telling me to go to the hospital, but instead, I messaged a guy on Twitter that sells “miracle pills.” He told me the pills “affect the brain in a way that you won’t have to worry about your headache soon.” It was an easy transaction, and I just picked them up from his underground bunker. I’m craving caffeine, but I won’t break this challenge. I won’t try the pills until tomorrow, just in case the headache goes away. I’ve also puked twice today. Day #3 I didn’t sleep last night. Insomnia isn’t something I’ve struggled with before, but it’s probably from the lack of energy I had all day yesterday. I didn’t have the energy to work, so I just watched random musicals all day. How can I be tired if I don’t do anything tiring? I guess caffeine is what has helped me fall asleep all these years. In the meantime, I took the pills I bought yesterday. Day #4 Today was not a good day. My headache and insomnia are getting better, but I’ve been extremely grumpy. I’m not sure why, especially because today has been the best I’ve felt so far. I screamed at my dog because he barked at me. According to the pill bottle, there are “probably no side effects,” so I don’t think it’s from the pills. I took them again today. Hopefully, I continue to feel better tomorrow. Going to feed my dog and try to get some rest. His food smells amazing! Day #5 Okay, now I’m pissed. My stupid headache and insomnia have gone away. I’m not pissed about that. I’m pissed that I ran out of ham. What the heck am I supposed to eat now! This sucks. My life sucks. I don’t want to consume fruit, vegetables, dairy, bread, or coffee. I just want MEAT! MEAT! MEAT! MEAT! MEAT! ALSO MORE PILLS! Day #6 What is happening to me? I’m losing control of who I am. On my walk to the grocery store, I barked at a lady who was walking her dog. I didn’t mean to, it just came out of me. While I was at the store, I ripped open a bag of hotdogs with my mouth and scarfed them down. I had no control over my body, I felt like a monster. My hair growth has been insane as well. I lose control of my body for ten minutes every hour now, that’s when I go on my rampages. What happened to my height? I was 5'9, but now I’m 5'5. I’m getting shorter every day. I really want to get on all four and sprint down the neighborhood. If I can make it through tomorrow without caffeine, I’ll go back to drinking it. I’ve made it too far to go back. I’m still not sure if these pills are helping, but they certainly can’t be hurting. Day #7 I FEEL SO ALIVE! I FEEL SO FREE! I’ve spent so much time worrying about money and making friends and not pooping on the carpet, but NOT ANYMORE! I eat what I want and I poop where I want. I made some friends at the dog park this morning, the humans were terrified. I’m not sure what’s become of me, BUT I LOVE IT. Every day something new and exciting happens. Today I grew claws and my voice has started to sound like I’m still mid-puberty. Why was I so afraid of this transformation? It’s wonderful! The only part that sucks is I’m slowly looking more and more like a chihuahua. Also, I can no longer express myself verbally. Anytime I try to speak, random noises come out. At least I can still write. Although It has taken me two hours to write fifteen sentences. Remembering what words mean is hard. I may be getting smaller, but I sure am feeling stronger! Time to annoy my neighbors by barking outside for 3 hours before I visit my girlfriend. I’m so excited to see her! She’s been out of town visiting family all week. I was going to tell her about my transformation, but I thought it’d be better to surprise her in person for our one-year anniversary. She’s always been concerned about my caffeine consumption, so I know she’ll be proud of what I’ve become. Sure she’s terrified of dogs, but I think I’ll be an exception. originally published in The Haven Greetings Chandler, Can you believe it’s been almost 12 years since we promised to write letters to each other? I sure can, we’ve been doing it for way too long. With our twelve-year anniversary coming up, there are a few things I need to address. First of all, I don’t remember making this sort of commitment. To write someone a letter every day takes a lot of effort, not to mention how expensive stamps and envelopes are. I’m not complaining, I just don’t think an agreement that six-year-old me might have made should still be binding. I will admit that our story is quite wholesome! Writing letters to your childhood best friend sounds amazing, but in actuality, it sucks. I’ve moved on from you. I feel like I don’t know anything about you anymore. For example, I have no idea what you look like! I tried to find a picture of you on social media, but it appears you aren’t on any social platform. Good for you I suppose, perhaps that’s why we’ve stuck with letters as our form of communication. I tell you everything about my life! I told you when I cried during my nephew’s kindergarten graduation. I mentioned that time when Taco Bell forgot about my chicken burrito and I went back inside to violently scream at and chuck chairs towards the underpaid employees. I even told you when it took me three in-person dates to realize that the girl I fell in love with online was actually a forty-seven-year-old man! But you don’t tell me anything. Where do you even live nowadays? I know I’ve asked you this in the last four thousand letters, but you haven’t answered yet! I don’t need anything specific like your address or town but I’d appreciate knowing a state or country. I don’t know why you’re so shy about your location when you’re more than welcome to share your banking information. I was looking through my first-grade yearbook and I wasn’t able to find you. Are you sure we went to school together? I don’t remember you, like, at all. You’ve been a pretty crappy friend ever since you left. I put in so much time and effort when writing these letters to you, but you keep sending me the same exact message. Why should I put in any sort of effort into my letters if you won’t reciprocate? I understand you’re desperate for money, but is that all you care about? Every time I meet up with the messenger who hands me your letters outside the abandoned warehouse, I’m excited. And every time I open the letter, I’m disappointed. You never talk about your day, your week, or even your month. You just ask for money. Be not mistaken, I don’t care about you, but you might as well let me know how things are going. What’s most troubling is that you keep bringing up my missing mother in your letters saying stuff like, “Give me $10,000 and your missing mother will be returned” or “Please just give me $3,000 and I’ll give you your mom back” or the one you sent me four days ago “Dude I am begging you, just give me like 20 bucks and I’ll give her back. I don’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t think you’d hold out this long. I would love to kidnap someone else’s mom, but I can’t until I get rid of her.” You must be extremely desperate for some extra cash. Side note: Where did you find that creepy guy? And is it possible for me to hand him my letters instead of mailing them to some random P.O. box in Switzerland? It’d be much more convenient. Plus I’m sure my letters arrive a few weeks late so you don’t even know what I’ve been up to! Today I had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch, but by the time you read this, I’ll probably have eaten something else for lunch! Isn’t that terrible? From here on out I promise to only eat grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch, that way you always know what I ate. That’s the kind of sacrifice I’m willing to make for us, are you? I know this letter is shorter than all of my other ones, but that’s because I’m fed up. Since you’re so desperate, I’ll send you 20 bucks. But you have to drop it with the whole “I have your mother in my basement, she’s doing fine, just waiting for you to send over a little bit of money so you can get her back” act. Keep her you liar. I was conceived using a sperm bank, so she’s not even my actual mother. Talk to you tomorrow! Love, Payton P.S. Your most recent letter was so frustrating to read that I’m sending it back. Also, your handwriting sucks. |